Child Birthing - a whanau affair

Baby Milan Moala was born
on Tuesday 28th of April 2009.

Every birth is a different experience - for us, it was a family affair. This was not just one woman experiencing the transition from pregnancy to labour and birth; but a combination of woman, partner, mother and sisters breathing, moving, swaying and focusing on progressing through one of the most amazing experiences of our life. The last 2 days of our pregnancy journey began a little earlier than anticipated. The women in my whanau typically birth later than the normal 40 week period, so I wasn't anticipating the onset of contractions for another week at least. On early Monday morning - the 27th of April, I awoke with some funny feelings in my puku and wasn't quite sure what to do about them. I woke Sifa up just so that I didn't feel so alone and was greeted by so much enthusiasm and anticipation that I couldn't help laughing and relaxing. We went back to sleep, sort of, and the contractions slowed down to nothing.


The Monday morning sun greeted us with a few more 'feelings' very similar to dull period pains but nothing much more, so Sifa decided to head off to work and I remained at home with mum. Through out the day, I felt niggles and pains that didn't really seem like much, just enough to be uncomfortable and aware that something different was happening to me. It was amazing to have mum with me most of the day - acknowledging that what I was feeling was all fine and that relaxing was the best thing for me to do. We didn't know if this would progress to labour or if it would be a niggle that keeps on niggling for another 3 weeks. Later on that night, we got the answer to that query.


Sifa, Ren (sis) and Mum were playing Monopoly around the kitchen table after dinner. I had politely declined; knowing that Sifa was a guru at the game and wouldn't let it rest for days if he won against me yet again. Ren and Mum being none the wiser gaily entered into the competition to get a whipping like no other. As I browsed emails and internet sites at one end of the table and the game was progressing at the other, those niggles slowly but surely became a bit stronger and longer than what I had experienced through out the day. A fruit tea didn't settle it, and after about 1-2 hours; I was beginning to need to breathe purposefully to get through each onset as they started to create a pattern = 1 minute of pain to 5-10 minutes of calm.


It felt as if things needed to get done - I had neglected to pack a labour bag as I had assumed I would be 1-2 weeks late like my mother and sister Mon. I was due on Thursday - so thought I had 3 days at least to sort things out. But no, it seemed that tonight would be the night. I made a quick phone call to Carol our midwife to let her know what was happening while Ren and Mum packed a bag up for me from a list I had made on things I thought I would like to take. And then, we settled into the night - without sleep. I had no desire to attempt to fall asleep and didn't think I would be able to even if I tried, so we decided to put on a movie instead - 3 movies later, the contractions were slowly progressing to becoming more and more uncomfortable and downright painful but they weren't getting any faster.


Monday night turned into Tuesday morning and still painful contractions, but no show of it getting any closer to the finish line. At this stage, I just kept thinking about what a friend of mine had told me. "Just imagine labour to be this really long stretch of road, you can't see the end of it, but you have to trust that there will be one, and every contraction is one more jutter bar that you're getting over - one jutter bar closer to the end of the road. All you have to do is concentrate on that next jutter bar." I told Mum and Ren to head to bed - thinking that they needed to conserve their energy for me to draw on later. Sifa was stuck with me and we endured through the rest of the night getting through those contractions one jutter bar at a time.



On Tuesday morning, mum called Carol (midwife), and gave her an update on how things were going. Carol suggested that she come out and see how I'm progressing - she was soon with us and after a quick check below, informed us that I was 4 cm dilated. To me, that sounded like a damn small amount for the length of time I had been labouring. At this rate, I'd need at least another 12 hours just to get to 8 cm! Everyone assured me that it would be fine and Carol left us to continue on with the contractions with the knowledge that everything was fine and that I could go into the Pukekohe Maternity Unit at any stage. From there on, it seemed as if things started to blur in my mind. I knew Sifa and mum went to bed and their roles of back massaging, holding hands and offering encouragement were taken over by my two sisters - Mon and Ren. I also knew that the pains were getting worse and worse, but they weren't getting very much closer. I was starting to despair and my attempt at maintaining that vision of 'one jutter bar at a time' was beginning to feel hopeless. I confessed to mum that I really didn't know how much longer I could take this. Mum and my sisters talked about what to do and they agreed that it was time for me to make the move to the Maternity Unit. Hopefully the car ride and the change of environment would be good for me - if not to speed things up maybe to distract me from the pain.


We got to the Maternity Unit at 2pm and the show finally came away. I was starting to get quite distressed now and it was a relief to see Carol again who was very calm and relaxed. This surprised me as I was balancing on a fine line between panic and insanity - not only from the pain, but from the lack of sleep and loss of energy I had experienced over the last 16 hours. After an amazingly large vomit of what I didn't even know was in my stomach still, I was helped into a hot shower. The water running over me was pure bliss. I was told afterwards, that Carol and mum realised that I was going into transition at this point. I didn't feel any different - just that I was exhausted and had lost all focus on anything but getting over each jutter bar. After another inspection from Carol, I was proven wrong - that it didn't take another 12 hours to get to 8cm - only 4 hours! Being 8cm dilated was such a relief to me - I felt that I was finally starting to get somewhere and that the end just might be coming.


Carol organised the birthing pool and when I submerged into it, I felt a huge sense of pressure release from my body. Not only was the weight lifted from my body, but the heat from the water seemed to relax the contractions and I really felt relaxed for the first time in 18 hours. Sifa was holding my hands, and unfortunately, I had neglected to cut my nails, so they were digging into him every contraction. Mum was on my side with a hot wet towel and every contraction she would massage my lower back with it, helping me get over each of those jutter bars.


From mums guidance and verbal encouragement, I focused on Sifa as if he was the only thing in the whole world who could help me and we breathed together. In, out, in, out. slowly breathing through every pain. I was blessed with having 3-5 minute gaps between contractions - which is unheard of in stage 2. My sisters arrived and sat on the bed behind us - offering almost silent and amazing physical support. At one point, I proclaimed that I had had enough, this was just ridiculous, no one should have to do this and told Sifa that we were leaving. Carol told me to harness that anger and use it to get baby out. So I did.

At 5.43pm, baby Milan Moala was born. One moment I was pushing with all my strength and couldn't even see the end to this cycle of breathing, panting and pushing and then the next moment, Carol was telling me to hold my child and not let his head go under the water.

I was astounded. This baby had come out of me - I had created something so - real - from my own body. It's a surreal experience. Everyone was crying and I couldn't understand why, there was nothing to cry about, he was perfect. I could not have imagined a better labour - with having the strong support of my partner, mum and sisters all guiding me through what was the most difficult and most amazing experience of my life.

The ultimate community workers balancing act: life and community

39 weeks preggies and counting! I have completely neglected any recording of my pregnancy experience which is a real shame, as I'm normally so intrigued by keeping notes, journals etc on how things are going in my life, but I have begun to experience something over this pregnancy that I have never really contemplated before in my life - the balancing act between personal and public lives of a community worker.

I have left Glen Innes for the time being and have stepped back into my whanau - physically, emotionally and mentally. This is the first time that I have actually let go of my community role and put myself and my whanau first. It's really quite a foreign concept for me. Before becoming pregnant, I would be quite content to have a schedule of 3-8 events on my day off with a blend of community initiatives, whanau events and personal activities. Choosing community needs over whanau was a simple measure of whether someone in the whanau could pick up my slack, and there more than often was.

Now, the tables have turned. I have a child growing in my puku and no other person in the world is more important to this child than me. From 39 weeks ago and forever on, I will always be the mother and main carer of this child. The father is important, I know this. But I have realised now just how important a mother's role is in her childs life. This has rocked me completely. I cannot juggle this one! So I have done the only option that I could see available to me, I have put myself and my unborn child first. I have stepped away from my community role and I am now focusing purely on what is best for me and for baby.

Aside from all of the pregnancy issues - morning sickness, healthy eating, growing bigger, loss of energy, kickin' kickin' kickin' baby, mobility, etc etc - this loss of professional role has been my biggest challenge thus far.

For years, I have been an advocate of equality for women and all that that entails within work places and career choices. Now, I find myself very content to not be a super woman - just right now, and learn about this domestic lifestyle I have never quite mastered.

:)

Our Road Trip up North for the New Year of 2009

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Being Pregnant and lil things like that..

Hey!

Well, a ridiculous time since I've last blogged. Have been holding off a tad until I could officially come out and say I was pregnant - wanted to tell some people first and wanted to wait for the 3 'danger months' to be completely behind us... those months are hella scary - esp. with the amount of probs we had at the beginning - the doc even TOLD us to be prepared for a miscarriage! First pregnancy and that's what I get I tell ya, some people! lol.

I'm 16 weeks this week and baby is still going strong, heart beating well and as far as we know, all good inside there. Out here, I'm still vomiting up a storm, got no energy, have the joys of early pregnancy haunt me, and am lucky enough to have 5 more months to go. Have been told it gets better, so we're waiting for it.... tick.. tick... tick.. haha.

We found out in a bit of a ricidulous way - I'm not a regular kind of girl you see, so nothing went amiss when my monthly didn't show up - nothing unusual about that... We found out at the Auckland Hospital A&E department with a urine sample. I was by myself as I had come in by ambulance because the st johns folk couldn't determine what my pain could be connected to.

I woke up at about 2am on the 31st July 2008 with severe abdominal cramps - I was left panting for breath and managed to scream Sifa's name to wake him up. We had had these before and it had turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in a tubal abortion (which is like your body realising it's not gonna work and sorting it out), so we pretty much freaked out. I did not know how I would deal with going through that all over again. The Health Line we called (Plunket Line is a god send) were just as frightened and patched us through to 111 for an ambulance as soon as they could, the St john's people in the ambulance were just as clueless and pretty much just had to take me to Auckland Hospital to be checked out. This pretty much sucks, no one knows what's going on, no one will attempt to guess because it's just too likely they'll get it wrong, so you're left thinking the worst, which I was.

After hours of doctors and specialists not being able to give us any more clarity, they sent us off for an ultrasound scan at 7am in the morning on the 1st of September 2008. There, we were shown something we didn't expect at all, a lil dot on an ultrasound screen flickering away with a heart beat - it was beautiful and crazy and weird all at once and we both were just flabber-gasted. No signs of why I had pain and the pain continued for about a week after that - mainly at night, but sometimes during the day as well. It was a nightmare because we thought we were going to loose another one, and were told pretty much so when we asked for more information and support. But thank fully they were wrong!

Now, I'm 16 weeks and finally feel like I'm in the clear. Sifa and I are stoked and just can't wait for a bundle of crying, pooing, exhaustion to hit us and turn our perfect community working life into selfish indulgent on a new family.

The last stretch of digivoice...

So! I'm nearing the end of the stretch for Digivoice Completion!

Started in mid-March for a 6 month project - all good in the hood I had thought, but I didn't count on the dynamics that I would have to battle along the way. Not only was I trying to run a project for youth - which is a hard enough task within itself, but I didn't realise (or open my eyes wide enough to see) how much political crap would come between me and my task at hand. How many stakeholders had how many unrealistic expectations and how much work I was going to have to take over to complete my project.

I knew I was going to have to step up a bit more than I have in the past - I knew that I would be taking this on as an individual instead of a team, but I did think that I would be supported by the community that had originally asked for this project.

No such luck huh.

Over these 5 1/2 months, I really feel like I have been tested to my limits. For a lot of it, people didn't seem to care unless they had to. That was so hard for me. I thought that I was fronting a project that everyone was passionate about getting into, and I know that they were - at the beginning of the battle quite a while ago. But this passion must have died through the battle and we were left with almost reluctance to meet expectations that the community themselves had put forth.

Within the first 2 weeks, I was told to create the project myself - from top to bottom. How difficult is that to swallow? I almost packed it in then - almost told them to find someone else before I had spent 1 cent. But Sifa was the one pretty much who talked me into it. He understood how passionate I was about Digivoice becoming something that would affect a lot of youth in our community, and so I decided to take that leap. For that, I am grateful to Sifa for - and for the support that he has given to me from that day to today.

Within a month, I realised that the people who were responsible for all of the Budgeting and Administration of the project was; a) inexperienced with such tasks, b) uninterested and/or c) too busy. So all of a sudden, my one job, became two. I didn't complain, didn't kick up a fuss, I just wanted my project to run smoothly, so I took over from the second month onwards - especially after realising that absolutely no tracking of my expenditure was being done.

Within two months, I began to realise that verbal interest from youth workers was not enough - I was meeting youth once and then getting the cold shoulder, brush off, or polite no's from people who had requested the project in the first place! I couldn't believe it and the First Big Hui really solidified for me just how alone I was. The team that I thought was keen and rearing to get their youth involved, was nowhere to be seen.

At this time, I had some amazing people in the community step up - and they have been there for me from this point through to the end - for this, I am thankful. Without these two people in particular, I have no doubt in my mind that I would not have continued Digivoice to it's capacity that it has achieved now. I may not have even continued at all.

Within three months, political tug o' war could not be politely dissuaded any longer and two key organisations began to pull - My project was the rope and I was trying to tight-walk along it! Arguments flying, discussions held, efforts slammed and behind the scene work falling to pieces.

Within four months, my body said enough. I had had it. I truly believe in wellbeing affecting all parts of self, and I sacrificed 'what could have been for myself' for 'what others had dreamed of too long ago'. For this, I will always be disappointed in myself. It may not have been all the projects fault - but I think that it definitely contributed.

And now, within five months, thin strands of the project that I have been working ridiculously hard on, seem to be falling into place - resembling something of the kete that I had originally desired. It's nothing like the mana I had wanted it to portray, and it is definitely not strong enough to hold the voices of our youth for long, but it is something.

At the end of six months, I will simply be glad that this is over. I will never work with one organisation within any financial capacity again, and I have a lot more work to do as a volunteer to support these youth onto other positive paths. However I hope to take out of this project; learnings that can only be learnt from jumping out of a plane.

One learns a lot about themselves when disaster or success is fast approaching.

Saturday night.. and what's the plan?

workin' as if the devils after my soul,
plannin' to the hilt and back again.

focused on everythin' but the writing on the wall,
thinking so hard I can't remember what I'm meant to be doin.

It'd be nice to have a plan for tonight that's just for me.
Worked today - a saturday, working tomorrow - a sunday. I'm fine with that, but it's Saturday night, and not that long ago, I would be dolled up and about to be smashed right about now. Funny how life changes on you like that. I wonder if I can get anyone keen to go out with me tonight..

More of baby and THE wedding of 2008

As always, I'm obsessed with my whanau and just wanna share a few photos.

I can't use my camera at the moment! So I'm upset about that - flash damn thing and I can't use it - argh.... but as soon as I get it going again, I'm gonna be in EVERYONES face with photos and vids of this and that! hehe..

Anyway.. here's something...



And a video...




And another video...