Friday, November 14, 2008

Being Pregnant and lil things like that..


Well, a ridiculous time since I've last blogged. Have been holding off a tad until I could officially come out and say I was pregnant - wanted to tell some people first and wanted to wait for the 3 'danger months' to be completely behind us... those months are hella scary - esp. with the amount of probs we had at the beginning - the doc even TOLD us to be prepared for a miscarriage! First pregnancy and that's what I get I tell ya, some people! lol.

I'm 16 weeks this week and baby is still going strong, heart beating well and as far as we know, all good inside there. Out here, I'm still vomiting up a storm, got no energy, have the joys of early pregnancy haunt me, and am lucky enough to have 5 more months to go. Have been told it gets better, so we're waiting for it.... tick.. tick... tick.. haha.

We found out in a bit of a ricidulous way - I'm not a regular kind of girl you see, so nothing went amiss when my monthly didn't show up - nothing unusual about that... We found out at the Auckland Hospital A&E department with a urine sample. I was by myself as I had come in by ambulance because the st johns folk couldn't determine what my pain could be connected to.

I woke up at about 2am on the 31st July 2008 with severe abdominal cramps - I was left panting for breath and managed to scream Sifa's name to wake him up. We had had these before and it had turned out to be an ectopic pregnancy which resulted in a tubal abortion (which is like your body realising it's not gonna work and sorting it out), so we pretty much freaked out. I did not know how I would deal with going through that all over again. The Health Line we called (Plunket Line is a god send) were just as frightened and patched us through to 111 for an ambulance as soon as they could, the St john's people in the ambulance were just as clueless and pretty much just had to take me to Auckland Hospital to be checked out. This pretty much sucks, no one knows what's going on, no one will attempt to guess because it's just too likely they'll get it wrong, so you're left thinking the worst, which I was.

After hours of doctors and specialists not being able to give us any more clarity, they sent us off for an ultrasound scan at 7am in the morning on the 1st of September 2008. There, we were shown something we didn't expect at all, a lil dot on an ultrasound screen flickering away with a heart beat - it was beautiful and crazy and weird all at once and we both were just flabber-gasted. No signs of why I had pain and the pain continued for about a week after that - mainly at night, but sometimes during the day as well. It was a nightmare because we thought we were going to loose another one, and were told pretty much so when we asked for more information and support. But thank fully they were wrong!

Now, I'm 16 weeks and finally feel like I'm in the clear. Sifa and I are stoked and just can't wait for a bundle of crying, pooing, exhaustion to hit us and turn our perfect community working life into selfish indulgent on a new family.

Saturday, August 30, 2008

The last stretch of digivoice...

So! I'm nearing the end of the stretch for Digivoice Completion!

Started in mid-March for a 6 month project - all good in the hood I had thought, but I didn't count on the dynamics that I would have to battle along the way. Not only was I trying to run a project for youth - which is a hard enough task within itself, but I didn't realise (or open my eyes wide enough to see) how much political crap would come between me and my task at hand. How many stakeholders had how many unrealistic expectations and how much work I was going to have to take over to complete my project.

I knew I was going to have to step up a bit more than I have in the past - I knew that I would be taking this on as an individual instead of a team, but I did think that I would be supported by the community that had originally asked for this project.

No such luck huh.

Over these 5 1/2 months, I really feel like I have been tested to my limits. For a lot of it, people didn't seem to care unless they had to. That was so hard for me. I thought that I was fronting a project that everyone was passionate about getting into, and I know that they were - at the beginning of the battle quite a while ago. But this passion must have died through the battle and we were left with almost reluctance to meet expectations that the community themselves had put forth.

Within the first 2 weeks, I was told to create the project myself - from top to bottom. How difficult is that to swallow? I almost packed it in then - almost told them to find someone else before I had spent 1 cent. But Sifa was the one pretty much who talked me into it. He understood how passionate I was about Digivoice becoming something that would affect a lot of youth in our community, and so I decided to take that leap. For that, I am grateful to Sifa for - and for the support that he has given to me from that day to today.

Within a month, I realised that the people who were responsible for all of the Budgeting and Administration of the project was; a) inexperienced with such tasks, b) uninterested and/or c) too busy. So all of a sudden, my one job, became two. I didn't complain, didn't kick up a fuss, I just wanted my project to run smoothly, so I took over from the second month onwards - especially after realising that absolutely no tracking of my expenditure was being done.

Within two months, I began to realise that verbal interest from youth workers was not enough - I was meeting youth once and then getting the cold shoulder, brush off, or polite no's from people who had requested the project in the first place! I couldn't believe it and the First Big Hui really solidified for me just how alone I was. The team that I thought was keen and rearing to get their youth involved, was nowhere to be seen.

At this time, I had some amazing people in the community step up - and they have been there for me from this point through to the end - for this, I am thankful. Without these two people in particular, I have no doubt in my mind that I would not have continued Digivoice to it's capacity that it has achieved now. I may not have even continued at all.

Within three months, political tug o' war could not be politely dissuaded any longer and two key organisations began to pull - My project was the rope and I was trying to tight-walk along it! Arguments flying, discussions held, efforts slammed and behind the scene work falling to pieces.

Within four months, my body said enough. I had had it. I truly believe in wellbeing affecting all parts of self, and I sacrificed 'what could have been for myself' for 'what others had dreamed of too long ago'. For this, I will always be disappointed in myself. It may not have been all the projects fault - but I think that it definitely contributed.

And now, within five months, thin strands of the project that I have been working ridiculously hard on, seem to be falling into place - resembling something of the kete that I had originally desired. It's nothing like the mana I had wanted it to portray, and it is definitely not strong enough to hold the voices of our youth for long, but it is something.

At the end of six months, I will simply be glad that this is over. I will never work with one organisation within any financial capacity again, and I have a lot more work to do as a volunteer to support these youth onto other positive paths. However I hope to take out of this project; learnings that can only be learnt from jumping out of a plane.

One learns a lot about themselves when disaster or success is fast approaching.

Friday, May 9, 2008

Saturday night.. and what's the plan?

workin' as if the devils after my soul,
plannin' to the hilt and back again.

focused on everythin' but the writing on the wall,
thinking so hard I can't remember what I'm meant to be doin.

It'd be nice to have a plan for tonight that's just for me.
Worked today - a saturday, working tomorrow - a sunday. I'm fine with that, but it's Saturday night, and not that long ago, I would be dolled up and about to be smashed right about now. Funny how life changes on you like that. I wonder if I can get anyone keen to go out with me tonight..

Friday, April 25, 2008

More of baby and THE wedding of 2008

As always, I'm obsessed with my whanau and just wanna share a few photos.

I can't use my camera at the moment! So I'm upset about that - flash damn thing and I can't use it - argh.... but as soon as I get it going again, I'm gonna be in EVERYONES face with photos and vids of this and that! hehe..

Anyway.. here's something...

And a video...

And another video...

Friday, March 14, 2008

The new edition to our whanau...

Here is our beautiful, lovely, cute, and perfect little girl


Tuesday, February 5, 2008

What's this eh?

So! I'm not in Tomioka anymore, so it seemed a bit weird for me to do any more blog posts on "Tara in Tomioka"... but I enjoyed the process of writing blogs so much that I've diverted my writings to this new one - choice aye?! haha.